


Let Down

by SadieandJack



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27545281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieandJack/pseuds/SadieandJack
Summary: Grissom will not commit, and Sara gets hurt over and over. Love could be in their future, but sometimes it's not meant to be. After a traumatic attack Sara has a mental breakdown and nightmares that will open the door into madness. Will Grissom be able to pull her back?
Relationships: Gil Grissom/Sara Sidle





	1. Let Down

Russell pulled me back as I tried to attack the man in his home after he claimed to have no idea how his wives blood got all over the couch in his living room. I reached out my arm wanting to grab him as Russell kept pulling me away.

"She attacked me!" He yelled, as Brass tried to calm him down.

"I'll do more than that when I get my hands on you!" I yelled, being thrown out the front door. Russell let me go watching as I ran up trying to get past him.

"No!" He shouted, pulling me to the street. "Calm down!"

"Did you hear him lie?" I shouted

"Sara, you need to calm down." He said

I paced looking at the house.

"I want to punch him!" I said

Russell pulled me to him putting his hands on my arms.

"Calm down."

I took a deep breath feeling my shaking lesson.

"Nothing is going to be solved from violence. We will look at the evidence and see what it shows."

I looked at him feeling as if I needed more. He rubbed my arms as Brass walked over.

"I want to talk to you!" He said, pulling me away. "Haven't you learned to not attack suspects?"

"I'm sorry." I said

"Sara, you need to control your temper."

"I know." I said, looking down.

"He wants to press charges."

"I figured."

Brass sighed looking at me. I looked at him as he came closer touching my cheeks with his hands.

"Honey, there is a place for this anger. You need to let it go."

I reached up touching his hand.

"I'll try."

He nodded pulling me into his arms. I closed my eyes enjoying the hug.

"I need to go talk Mr. Williams out of pressing charges." He said

I let him go as he sighed walking past.

"Dad?" I said, watching him turn around.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He winked at me smiling then he walked away.

Russell and I went back to the lab where Grissom was standing getting his mail at the front desk.

"Hello Gil." Russell said

"Hello, how are things?" Grissom asked, glancing at me before looking at Russell.

"Good."

I swallowed nervously as Grissom looked back at me.

"Glad to hear it." He said

"We should turn in the evidence." I said, wanting to leave.

"Your right. See you later." Russell said

"Yes, and I will see you later, Sara."

I stopped glancing back at Grissom as he lowered his head a little giving me a look. I started to walk again scared.

I avoided Grissom all shift, but I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have to see him. I walked out of the building looking around not seeing him at the end of the shift. My car was at the end. I walked to it hearing voices behind me. I got my keys out when I heard footsteps coming behind me. I froze on the curb hearing them stop. Slowly, I turned seeing him standing staring at me.

"You've been avoiding me." He said, walking over.

"Have I?" I asked, turning to face him.

"Yes, and I suspect you did it on purpose."

"That doesn't sound like me." I said, trembling.

He nodded silently.

"Um…so…" I said

"Yes?"

"What do you want to talk to me about?"

"I think you know already."

"No."

"We can talk tomorrow before shift."

I groaned as he walked away. I went home miserable thinking about this meeting with Grissom. I came in early walking to his office hesitating as I knocked. I heard nothing feeling relief knowing he wasn't in.

"Sara?" Grissom called

I jumped turning seeing him walking over in a dark suit. I looked him up and down struck by how handsome he was. He looked at me a moment. I moved so he could open his door and allow me inside. He shut it behind him then motioned me to sit down. I sat down slowly in a chair infront of his desk watching him move around before sitting behind his desk looking at me.

"I got a call from Brass about your behavior at the crime scene."

I looked down.

"You know what I am going to say."

"Yes."

"What I want to know is why you are so angry?"

"I don't know." I said

"Yes, you do."

I looked at him.

"If you do this again I am putting you on suspension."

"Okay."

"As of now you are off the case."

I let my mouth drop.

"You will help the others in the lab for a week."

"What?"

"You heard me." He said

I stood still in shock.

"Grissom, I can't vegetate in here! I need to be out there on cases!"

"No."

I felt tears start to form as he just sat there staring at me.

"Do you want to know why I am angry?" I shouted "I am angry because I love you!"

As soon as I said that I wish I hadn't. He looked at me in shock just as he had when I asked him to go out of me a couple years ago.

"I am angry because you just walk past me in the hallway and never acknowledge me!" I said, wiping my tears off my cheeks. "I have done everything I can think of to get you to notice and all you do is look at other women! I am nothing to you! That's all I will ever be to you!"

He just looked at me as I started to cry. I quickly opened the door leaving running down the hallway to the side door outside. I collapsed on the hot pavement crying. I was mortified that I said all that to him. My life was just a mess. I held myself shaking as I looked around. My whole body hurt.

My phone started to ring, but I ignore it as I cried more. My hand shook as I upholstered my gun looking at it. Brass opened the side door seeing me sitting at the end of the building holding my gun in my lap. He put his cell phone away walking over slowly.

"Hey." He said

"Hey." I said, sadly.

"I knew this is where you like to go when your upset." He said, looking at the gun then at me.

"I suppose Grissom told you." I said, wiping my eyes.

"He just told me you were upset. I thought you'd want to talk to me."

I sniffed wiping tears away.

"I messed up."

He knelt down beside me taking a seat. I felt his hand come over my gun and I looked down.

"Honey, this is not the answer." He said "Let me have it."

"Why?" I asked, looking at him. "I want to hold it."

"It's making me nervous." He said

"I'm fine." I said

"Just let me have it."

I slowly let him take it.

"Thank you." He said

I laid my head against his shoulder as he took my hand. He looked around then he looked at me.

"We can fix this."

"No, we can't." I said "I blew up at Grissom."

"He's worried about you, that's all."

"I just wish I could hide."

"That's not the answer. Why don't we go inside and get a snack?"

I lifted my head looking at him.

"You go on. I just want to sit here."

"I am not leaving you."

"I'm fine."

"I am taking your gun with me. You can get it later." He said, standing taking my gun.

I nodded watching him open the door looking at me concerned then he went in. He walked down the hallway seeing Grissom and Russell talking by the water fountain.

"How is she?" Grissom asked

"I think she'll be fine. I took her gun." Brass said, holding out my gun. "She's just a little down right now."

Grissom flexed his jaw looking at his friend. I walked around later still feeling low. I got my gun back from Brass then helped Nick on his case. After work I was in the locker room slowly getting things out of my locker. Grissom came in opening his glancing at me. I avoided him feeling my pulse rise. He closed his locker leaning against it just staring at me. I closed my door walking carefully towards the door. He cleared his throat making me stop.

He moved to stand infront of me. I looked down as he sighed putting his hand onto my chin making me lift my head to look at him. I looked at him shaking. His hand that touched my chin moved to my neck and then down my arm.

"Grissom, you don't have to…do this." I said

He put his arm around me leaning in kissing me. I kissed him back unable to resist. He had very soft lips. I moaned as he pulled me even closer. My arms went around his neck. We were lost in each other. He moved back breathing out against my face as I kept my eyes closed laying my head against his.

"Sara?" He said, gently.

"Hmm?"

He lifted his head and I opened my dazed eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I wanted to, but you never seemed to notice."

He sighed looking down then back at me. His hands touched my cheeks. I moved forwards catching his lips again.

After a short make out session in the locker room he drove me to his home. We ate a dinner he made then he led me to his bedroom where we slept curled up against each other. I woke with a start looking around seeing that I was not in my bedroom. I could hear talking in the next room. I stood walking to the bathroom then out to the living room seeing a dressed Grissom hanging up his phone looking at me.

"I was just about to wake you." He said

"Sorry, I guess I was tired." I said

He came closer thinking.

"I can drive you home then take you to work."

"Okay."

He nodded walking away. I felt the wall back up between us. He opened the front door for me and I stopped looking at him. He searched my eyes watching as I moved closer to kiss him.

"Sara, we need to go."

I felt the hurt inside grow larger as I looked at him a moment before going out. Once inside the car I decided to bring up what happened.

"Grissom?"

"Hmm?" He said, as he looked at the road.

"Um, why are you acting distant again?"

He looked at me a moment then back at the road.

"Sara, I thought about this situation throughout the night and I realized that I was not being realistic. I can't be who you want me to be. I am sorry."

The knife that he plunged into my chest went deeper. I looked at him then I looked out the passenger side window. He wanted to talk to me more once we arrived at the lab, but I pushed past him to go into the building.

For days, I refused to eat, sleep. Not caring what happened to me. I went to see Brass in his office a week later. He watched me open his door looking pale and exhausted. I handed him a paper without a word. He put down the paper on his desk walking over to me.

"Sara, look at you!" He said

As he said that I burst out crying. He pulled me to him feeling my rib bones sticking out.

"Honey, I can feel the bones sticking out!"

I moved back wiping my tears from my cheeks.

"Let me get you something to eat."

"No."

"Sara!"

"No!"

He stood back looking at me. I looked at him then I walked out quickly. I walked into the breakroom at break seeing Russell setting out some take out on the large circular table near the counter. He stopped seeing me looking at him from the door.

"Hey, I thought we could have a picnic."

"Did dad call you?" I asked, walking in slowly.

"Ah, I am not supposed to say." He said

I shook my head looking at everything on the table.

"I have Chinese here." He said

"I just want some coffee." I said

"Sara, please." He said

I looked at the food feeling my stomach hurt. He watched me waver then shake my head.

"Thanks."

"I will let you go out on a case if you eat."

I looked at him.

"It just came in." He said

"That's blackmail."

"Yes." He said, smiling a little.

I looked at him then the food. Grissom came in stopping as I looked down moving away from the table then I walked out almost running. Russell sighed watching me leave as Grissom watched.

I rubbed my head walking outside of the building. Grissom was talking to Russell just outside. They both looked over and I knew they were talking about me. I quickly walked past seeing Grissom turn coming after me.

"Sara wait!"

"Leave me alone!" I shouted, running to my car.

I looked over seeing him and Russell walking over looking worried.

"We both want to talk to you." Russell said

"I don't want to talk!" I said, feeling the throbbing get worse.

"Sara, just hear us out. We are really worried about you." Grissom said

I sighed looking at them.

"Is that it?"

"No, we both want to take you out to eat." Russell said

"I am fine." I said

"No, you're not." Grissom said "Please Sara."

"Fine." I said

They seemed relieved as they led me to Grissom's car driving to the diner up the road. I sat next to Russell in a booth. Grissom held a menu looking it over as Russell shared his.

"This looks good." He said, pointing to a salad.

"Get it." I said

"I meant for you."

"I am not that hungry." I said

"Sara, you are eating." Grissom said

I glared at him then nodded at Russell.

They ordered and the food came. I picked at my salad as they ate talking. Grissom looked at me as I put my fork down looking out the window.

"Eat!" He said

"No." I said

He sighed as Russell looked between us.

"Sara, we are not leaving here until you eat." Grissom said

"I am!" I said, moving. Russell started to move.

"Why are you trying to kill yourself?" Grissom asked

"Figure it out!" I shouted, leaving. Russell started to sit down as Grissom got up running outside. I was walking to the street sidewalk when Grissom grabbed my arm pulling me around to face him.

"Okay, let's just talk this through." He said, calmly. "I realize I hurt you."

"I don't want to talk to you!" I said

He tightened his grip on my arm.

"Sara, you can't do this."

"Why not? You don't care!"

"I do care! Why would I be here?"

I looked at him as he struggled with his next words.

"Sara, I do care about you. Seeing you this way is causing me to worry." He said "I can't…."

"What?" I asked, coming closer.

He searched my eyes.

"I can't do anything about my feelings because of our jobs."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?" I asked

"I am not good at personal problems." He said

I stepped closer putting my arms around him. He seemed surprised then he hugged me back. I put my face against his neck breathing out hot air. He closed his eyes enjoying the feeling of me pressed against him. I moved back.

"Gris, I understand, but I can't stop loving you."

"Me either." He said, touching my neck.

"You love me?"

"I have always been in love with you."

My heart started to beat faster as he said that.

"No one will know." I said

"I don't think it would be wise." He said

I sadly looked at him slowly nodding. He hugged me again then moved back as I leaned in kissing him. He kissed me back putting his hand on my head holding it in place. I moved back as he let me go.

"Are we friends?" He asked

"Yes."

"Please come back and eat."

I nodded feeling him let me go walking back. I knew deep down this was far from over, but for now I accepted it. I ate a little with them then Grissom drove us back to the lab. He offered to drive me home since I hadn't slept in a long time. He parked outside of my place sitting back in the seat looking at me.

"Thank you for the ride." I said

"You will start taking care of yourself, won't you?" He asked

"Yes, I will." I said

"Good." He said

I looked at my apartment building then at him.

"Um…do you want to come up?"

"I better not." He said

"Okay." I said, getting out shutting the door before walking to the stairs.

Grissom watched me then he got out joining me.

I woke up the hours later rolling over in the bed seeing Grissom sleeping beside me. I moved over putting my arm over his smooth stomach. I laid my head against his chest thinking about earlier. Grissom moved his head waking looking around.

"Where am I?" He asked

I lifted my head smiling at him.

"My place." I said

He slowly sat up looking down at the clothes scattered on the floor.

"Did we…?" He asked, or started to.

"Yes."

He laid back rubbing his head.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting up.

"This was a mistake." He said

I just looked at him. He let his hand fall to my arm.

"Sara, I am sorry, but we…. should never…."

"Grissom, when are you going to let the barrier fall? I love you and you…. have stated that you love me."

"I do love you. I just can't…."

I sighed moving away.

"I should go home and get ready for work." He said

"Fine." I said

He sat up looking at my back.

"Sara, I…."

"I don't want to have anything to do with you from now on." I said

"I can't allow that."

"You've hurt me over and over. I am done."

He just looked at me then he got up taking his things looking at me again.

"Just go." I said

He opened his mouth then he sighed leaving. I closed my eyes lowering my head.

I avoided him again. He avoided me as well.

I started to feel off one day. I walked to the bathroom with a pregnancy test. I paced waiting for my watch alarm to go off. When it did I reached out with a shaking hand taking the test. As I read the results I felt numb. I walked around the building unable to focus. Russell walked towards me holding a file.

"Hey, did you get the results on the hammer yet?" He asked, noticing something was wrong. "What's wrong?"

I couldn't speak feeling his hand on my elbow.

"Sara?"

Everything went dark and I remember nothing after. When I moved next, I recognized I was in Russell's office couch. He was standing near me looking down.

"Sara, can you hear me?" A voice asked

I blinked seeing Grissom sitting on the couch holding a cool cloth against my head.

"Sorry." I said

"There is nothing to be sorry for." Russell said

"Do you feel all right?" Grissom asked

"Yeah." I said, trying to move.

"Lay still." Grissom said

I closed my eyes again hearing them talk then a door closed. When I opened my eyes, Russell was gone and Grissom was still there.

"When I came in here you looked gray." He said

"Gris, there is something I need to tell you." I said

"Okay."

"I….am going to have a baby." I said

He just sat there looking at me. He stood walking around the room.

"Whose, is it?" He asked

I sat up a little looking at him.

"Do you think I…sleep around? It's yours, Grissom!"

He flinched when I said that. He stood still silently as I got up holding onto the couch arm.

"Just ignore this problem like you do everything else!" I said

"Sara, I will help. I just need some time to…think about this."

"Don't bother!" I said, walking to the door. "I am transferring to day shift."

"Sara."

I looked at him then I opened the door going out slamming the door. Russell reached out for me, but I just walked past.

I got my transfer not telling anyone my secret. Brass stood outside of a house I was walking up to. He stopped me frowning.

"This is a bad scene. I want to walk you through it."

"Okay." I said, knowing if he said that it must be bad.

"The first thing you're going to see is the body of a man in the hallway. He's been cut in half. His entrails are everywhere."

I swallowed already feeling sick.

"Upstairs the body of a woman lying at the doorway of the bedroom. Her back has axe wounds. Two kids in their beds. Heads are crushed in."

I gasped putting my hand to my mouth. Brass watched me drop my case and run to a nearby bush. I threw up over and over finally standing to see Brass on his phone by the door. I walked back over slowly as he got off the phone.

"I got someone else." He said

"I can do it." I said

"Sara, you're not doing well. I think you need to go home."

He pulled me down the sidewalk to the Tahoe making me relax in the passenger seat. I went to sleep rubbing my stomach. Brass walked over later opening the door looking at me a moment.

"Honey?" He said

I moved seeing him.

"I'll take you home."

I nodded climbing out of the vehicle. He got the keys from me giving to another cop then he took me to his car.

"So, what's going on?" He asked, as he drove.

"What do you mean?" I asked, as I looked outside.

"There is something you are not telling me."

I looked at him as I touched my stomach.

"I didn't want to tell you."

He looked at me a second.

"I am your father."

"It wasn't that. I just….needed some time to take it in."

"Are you sick?"

"In a way."

We stopped at a light and he looked at me.

"Sara, tell me."

I took his hand moving it to my belly.

"I am pregnant."

He looked at me just as Grissom did. I let his hand go looking down sadly.

"Are you rejecting me like Grissom did?" I asked

He looked out driving again. I watched him pull over stopping then get out of the driver's side. I moved as he opened my side pulling me out. He hugged me in silence.

"I will never reject you." He said "Who is the father?"

I moved back as he wiped a little tear off my cheek.

"Is it Grissom?"

"Yes."

He looked at me sadly, then he took my hand.

"I'll take you home."

I nodded letting him open the door.

The next day I woke to knocking at my door. I called in sick earlier and was in no mood to see anybody. I got up dragging myself to the door. When I opened, it I was surprised to see a short man in gray coveralls holding a paper.

"Are you Sara Sidle?" He asked

"Yes." I said

"I got some deliveries for you." He said

"I didn't order any." I said

"I got the name Gil Grissom. He ordered them. Can we bring them in?"

"I…. okay." I said

He handed me the paper as he walked away.

I looked at the paper then I went and got my phone out calling him.

"Grissom." He answered, before yawning.

"This is Sara."

"Hey, did the delivery come yet?" He asked

"What stuff did you order?" I asked, mad.

"Sara, calm down. I just bought some things for the baby."

"We are not even talking and you go and buy stuff?"

"I want to help."

"I don't need your help!"

Someone knocked and I opened it seeing some large boxes being pushed in with a cart.

"Where do you want this?" The man asked

I sighed looking at the box.

"The spare bedroom. The first door down the hallway." I said

The man nodded moving.

"I just want to help you." Grissom said "I'll be over to talk later."

With that he hung up. I sighed watching more boxes come in. After they left, I looked in the spare room seeing the boxes around the room. I went back to bed then hours later Grissom showed up. He came in and I slammed the door shut behind him.

"You okay?" He asked

"No." I said

He looked around then back at me.

"Do you want to order take out now, or wait?"

"I don't want to do anything with you." I said

He came closer searching my cold eyes. He looked down at the slight baby bump showing under my gray tank top. His hand touched it.

"Sara, can we at least find common ground?" He asked "We both made this baby."

"I made this baby." I said

"You could not have done this without me. I own half. We need to stop being selfish and help each other."

As much as I disliked him right now I could not deny that I did need his help. Slowly, I nodded looking down at his hand still touching my stomach.

"Good, now let's put the baby furniture together."

He smiled walking away.

We entered my spare room and he looked around.

"Sara, this room is to small."

"Yeah, with boxes everywhere." I said

"It's to small without the boxes. You may need to move to something bigger."

"This has been my home for years." I said

"I understand, but this place is to small." He said "For a single person, it's perfect. However, you're going to have another person living here soon."

I looked around as he did.

"I want to propose something to you." He said, walking over. "I am offering you my home."

I laughed as he just looked at me.

"I move in, with you?"

"Yes."

"Grissom, that was funny." I said, laughing as I left the room. He followed as I sat on the couch in the living room. "You can't be serious?"

"I wasn't joking." He said

"We are not even speaking to each other."

"You will need help."

I stood walking over to him.

"I can manage on my own."

"You can't even take care of yourself." He said

I opened my mouth to say something, but as I was about to he pulled me to him. His mouth crashed on mine. I struggled to get away, but he pulled me tighter. I moaned as he loosened his grip on me tilting his head. All the anger I was holding just floated away. He moved back opening his eyes looking into mine. I licked my lips shaking.

"What does this mean?" I asked, gently.

"It means that I promise I will not hurt you again."

"How can I believe that?"

"I love you and I need you in my life." He said "I talked to your dad. He said I was a fool because I hurt you and was afraid of commitment."

"He changed your mind?" I asked

"Yes, everything he said was hard to hear, but it was what I needed. Please move in with me."

I sniffed nodding then we hugged.

Within a month, I was at his house unpacking my things. He has a lot of space and the spare room seemed adequate for the baby room. I laid down on the bed tired from working. When I woke, I sat up looking at my phone seeing it was two am. I got up shocked that I had slept for so long.

Grissom was in the babies room when I walked out. He had just finished putting the crib together.

"Hey." He said, as I walked in.

"How long have you been home?" I asked

"About an hour. I couldn't sleep." He said

"Why?" I asked

"Just a busy shift." He said

He kissed my head and I felt there was more to the story.

Grissom was being secretive and I knew something was up. One day, I walked into Brass's office curious.

Brass had a pile of papers he was working on at his desk. He looked up giving me a little smile then went back to work.

"Dad?"

"Yes?"

"What's going on?" I asked

He sat back looking at me confused.

"What do you mean?"

"With Grissom?"

"Oh, nothing."

I leaned over the desk giving him a smile.

"Come on, you know something."

"I don't know anything." He said

I sighed as he went back to his work. I kissed his cheek then walked out.

Grissom found me at his door as he returned from a meeting. He slowly walked over holding his brown briefcase.

"You're keeping a secret and I want to know what?" I said

"Sara, I am not keeping anything from you."

"Open the door." I said

He looked at me a moment then unlocked the door letting me in. I pulled him inside closing the door. He walked to his desk putting his case down then he looked at me.

"Well?" I asked

"There is nothing to tell." He said, shrugging his shoulders.

"You know I don't believe you. Even my dad is not saying a thing." I said, walking over to him. He looked down as my hands started to travel up his shirt.

"That is because there is nothing wrong." He said

I moved closer kissing his neck gently. He closed his eyes enjoying the feeling.

"Tell me." I said

He chuckled as I moved back smiling.

"You are very persistent." He said

"Yes, I am." I said

He shook his head touching my stomach.

"I am looking forwards to meeting our child." He said

"I am to."

He looked at me.

"I love you, Sara."

"I know."

"Life will change after this little one is born."

"Good change, or bad?"

"Good."

I smiled touching his hand on my stomach.

"Maybe, we should get married."

I stepped back looking at him in shock.

"Marriage? To…. you?"

He nodded. I blinked feeling my heart thump.

"I…."

"Think about it." He said

I walked out dazed.

After shift, I drove home thinking about it. I knew I loved him, but the prospect of being tied down forever scared me because of our past. I laid down skipping dinner and just went to bed thinking about it still. Grissom came in later walking to the bedroom seeing the outline of me. He looked at me then he went to the bathroom closing the door. I sighed looking at the wall as I laid on my side.

He sat on the toilet looking at the black box in his hands. Opening it, he looked at the diamond ring.

I got out of bed walking to the kitchen. I got out a pint of chocolate ice cream eating it from the container with a large spoon. I walked into the baby's room looking at the furniture set up. Grissom came out getting undressed noticing I was gone. He walked out seeing me standing in the middle of the room eating ice cream.

"Why aren't you asleep?" He asked, coming in.

"I…. just needed some ice cream." I said

"Everything okay?" He asked

I nodded eating more.

"You seem tense." He said, observing me.

I shook my head as he reached over taking the spoon and pint away. He put them on the changing table next to him then he touched my arms pulling me closer.

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"I am nervous about being married." I said

"We don't have to. I just thought you might want to because of the baby."

"I keep thinking about my parents and how they were happy. Until my mom one day snapped and killed my dad."

"Sara, we will not be like them."

"I just…."

"Honey, I understand your scared. I was scared asking, but I bought this because I know we will be okay." He said, holding out the black box to me. I took it in my hand shaking as I opened it.

Grissom had good taste and it showed in the ring. I lifted it out of the box. Grissom took it from me and lifted my hand pushing the ring onto my finger. He searched my eyes as I looked at him.

"I…. guess we are getting married!" I said

He smiled nodding.

I threw my arms around his neck worried still, but so happy.

My belly grew out more and it became difficult to get up out of chairs and to tie my shoes. Grissom kept making food and leaving it in the fridge. His thinking was that I would want things like meatless lasagna and sometimes cheese pizza.

I went to a scene as my fourth month ended. It was a few miles out of town at a general store. I could see it was going to be a bad one as there was blood smeared all over the front door. Once inside, I looked to my left seeing some guy leaning against one of the freezer with a gunshot wound in the chest. I shook my head before going to work. The smell of blood got to me, but I kept working.

When I got back to the lab I threw up in the toilet. As I walked out I put a hand out to the wall needing support. I took some deep breaths. My phone dinged. I lifted it up seeing Grissom texting me.

How's it going? G

I don't know. S

I let go of the wall walking slowly to the lab I was going to work in.

You okay? G

I don't know!

I put the phone back and heard it ding again, but I just ignored it. My stomach started to throb as I tried to work on the evidence. The pain inside started to get stronger. I sat against the wall winching as I rubbed my belly.

"Owe!" I cried

Suddenly, this warm flow of something started to spill out and I knew. Blood stained my pants as I cried. I got my phone out shaking dialing a number.

I rang a few times as another horrible pain shot threw me.

"Brass."

"Dad, I…. need help!"

"Sara, what's wrong?"

"I…. just need you….to come!" I said

"Honey, I am out at a scene."

I cried out again.

"Are you all right?" He asked, alarmed.

I cried again dropping the phone as I tried to get up. I fell close to the door seeing that blood was all over the tile floor behind me. I laid on my belly pushing myself to get to the door, but my strength left me. I laid there laying my head down crying.

Grissom came in looking around as he held his phone. He asked people if they had seen me. He walked further down the hallway to the labs. Brass ran meeting him with the day supervisor.

"Have you found her?" He asked

"No." Grissom said

He walked over to a closed door looking in.

"I found her!" He said, opening the door looking in horror at the blood. Brass knelt down as the day shift supervisor rang for the ambulance. Grissom knelt down touching my neck.

"She lost the baby!" Grissom said "I have a very weak pulse."

Brass helped him roll me over becoming scared at how white I was. He moved my hair back. I slowly moved my head sensing them.

"Sara, can you hear me?" Brass said

I opened my eyes a little seeing him.

"Sara?"

I swallowed lifting my hand to him. He looked down taking it. I pulled him to come closer. He leaned down I said something. Grissom watched him lean back as I went limp as my head went to the side.

"Sara?" He said "Gil, she's not breathing!"

Grissom blew into my mouth as Brass pushed down on my chest.

"Come on, Sara!" Brass shouted

Grissom blew again as Brass pushed harder. I made a sound as they froze.

"Come on!" Brass said

I made another noise relieving them both. Grissom lifted me up against him.

"It's okay." He said

Brass sat back in disbelief. The ambulance came and they took me to the hospital. Grissom stayed by my side. They moved me into a room. Grissom talked to the doctor quietly in the room. After the doctor left he walked over sitting on the bed rubbing my hand. I slept a long time. When I woke the next evening Brass and Grissom were talking at the door. I opened my eyes looking over at them.

"Call me if anything happens." Brass said

"I will, thank you." Grissom said

Brass left him alone with me. Grissom walked over seeing that I was awake. He came closer kissing my head.

"The baby?" I said, weakly.

"It's gone." He said

I knew the truth deep down, but I needed him to say it out loud.

"What…did I do?" I asked

"You didn't do anything. It just happened." He said

"I…did something." I said, moving my head.

He moved closer kissing my cheek and smoothing his cheek against mine.

"Sara, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes this happens." He said

"Will you stay?" I asked

"I need to check in at the lab, but I will be back." He said

He moved back searching my eyes.

"I love you."

I sniffed looking at him. He pulled me up against him holding me as I cried. He left I just looked at the window. I touched my stomach blaming myself.

Brass walked into Grissom's office shutting the door later.

"How is she?" He asked

"She is blaming herself." Grissom said

Brass sighed.

"She will for a time." Brass said

"The baby was not born and I still feel the loss."

"My wife had a miscarriage after Ellie and our marriage was never the same. I drank and ignored her pain."

Grissom shook his head looking at his forgotten paperwork on his desk.

"Don't let her back away from you, Gil. She will try."

"I won't."

Brass patted his friends shoulder then walked out. I was asleep when Grissom came in. He was tired after a hard shift, but he needed to see me. He walked over taking my hand in his.

He sat down in the chair next to the bed. I moved my head opening my eyes seeing him looking at me.

"Hey." He said, gently.

"Hey." I said

"How are you feeling?"

"Numb."

"Me to."

"Grissom?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you lay here beside me?"

He nodded getting up climbing on the bed and sat down beside me. I felt his arms come around me.

"Are you okay?" He asked

"Yes."

He kissed my head closing his eyes taking a breath.

"I keep thinking about when I first met you."

"At the conference in San Francisco." He said

"You started to talk and I was in the front row. Our eyes met and I was in love."

"It hit you that soon?" He asked

"Yes, I had to meet you."

"You did shove several people away." He said, chuckling.

"I asked you out for dinner and you said yes."

"I believe I asked you first."

"No, I did. We ate and drank a lot of wine."

"I had a headache in the morning." He said

"We ended up at your hotel room." I said

He kissed my head again.

"I woke and forgot you were beside me."

I lifted my head looking at him.

"You forgot?"

"Only for a moment." He said

I laid my head on his chest.

"You left town and I never saw you again."

"Until I called you to join my team."

"Then I spent years trying to get you to notice me."

"I did notice you."

I sighed touching his hand.

"Look at all the years we wasted."

"Sara, they were not wasted. We just were not ready to begin a relationship."

He laid his head against mine closing his eyes as I looked at the window.

"I love you, Grissom." I said

His breath told me he was sleeping. I closed my eyes holding his hand. I woke the next day to rain outside. Grissom was gone and someone left a tray of food on a table over me. I looked at it then sighed. The door opened as Brass came in. He smiled at me as he walked over looking at the tray.

"Not hungry?"

"Not really." I said

"You should eat." He said, taking a piece of toast. "Pretty good."

I looked at the scrambled eggs as he chewed on the toast.

"Where is Grissom?" I asked

"He said something about going home and showering." He said

"Is he okay?"

"I think so. He is worried about you."

He picked up the plastic fork and picked at the eggs trying them.

"Eggs are okay. Try some." He said, lifting the fork with egg on it to my lips. I looked at the egg grimacing. "Come on."

I opened my mouth as he shoved it in.

"Eww." I said

He smiled as I chewed. I ate then he looked at his watch.

"I gotta go." He said

I nodded moving to sit up more. He kissed my cheek before leaving.

The doctor said I could go home that afternoon. Grissom wheeled me out to the car in the car port. He pulled me out of the wheel chair helping me into the car. I looked at him as he climbed in. He looked at me taking my hand then he turned on the engine. I laid in bed as he made me something to eat. He climbed into bed and laid with me. I pulled him closer looking at him in the eyes. He closed his eyes as I did and we went to sleep.

I woke opening my eyes seeing he was gone. I sat up slowly. Grissom was at the desk typing. He looked as I came out. He watched me move to the kitchen without a word. I got some water coming back out glancing at him before going back towards the bedroom. I stopped at the nursery door opening it a little peeking inside. Opening the door more I went in slowly. Grissom walked in leaning against the door way looking at me.

"Sara?"

I touched the crib sliding my hand across it.

"Sara?"

I turned looking at him.

"You need to come out."

I looked down at the crib then I slowly walked over to him. He took my hand leading me out. He closed the door behind me and then pulled me against him.

"Sara, we can have another."

I looked at him feeling tears come down my cheeks.

"Honey, I am sorry…. I."

I made him let me go as I ran to our bedroom to the bathroom. I sat on the floor crying as he knocked over and over. I came out seeing him on the bed looking down.

"Gris?" I said

He stood looking at me.

"Sara, I…."

I ran over kissing him like he had never been kissed. He put his arms around me turning around laying me on the bed. To feel him again made me feel that everything would be okay. He moved off me a few minutes later pulling me against him. I went to sleep feeling him moving my hair from my face.

When I woke, I went for a run clearing my head. As I returned Grissom was coming out of the house.

"Hey, I need to go to the lab." He said

I nodded slowly climbing the stairs.

"You okay?" He asked

I nodded again.

He looked me up and down then went down. I waved at him before going inside. Grissom came back hearing the air conditioner running full blast. The house was like a freezer. Grissom walked into the bed room seeing that I was sleeping drenched in sweat in pajamas.

"Sara?" He called

I swallowed moving my head feeling my wet hair being moved.

"Sara, can you hear me?"

My eyes opened seeing him leaning over me looking worried.

"When did you get home?"

"Minutes ago, your clammy and pale. It's freezing in here."

"I am okay." I said

I tried to get up, but he stopped me.

"Stay here." He said, getting up leaving the room.

I moved my arm trying to sit up. He came back in with a full glass of water sitting on the bed. He lifted it to my lips allowing me to drink. I swallowed gulping it down till there wasn't anything left. He watched me cough after sitting up more.

"What did you do after I left?"

"I went for another run."

He sighed looking at me.

"How far?"

"I don't know…. eight miles."

"Sara!"

"What?"

"I don't want you to do that again!"

"It felt good to get out there. I over did it, I am sorry."

"Take a shower and then come out to eat dinner."

I watched him stand holding the glass looking at me.

"Gris, I am sorry."

"If you keep this up it will kill you."

"I am not doing it to kill myself!"

He walked out silently as I sat back in the bed looking down. I came out looking better smelling food. Grissom had meatless sauce over spaghetti and a salad on the table in the dining room. I walked over sitting down as he sat near me.

He put the salad on my plate and his then he ate some looking at me. I ate silently glancing at him. He reached over grasping my hand.

"Russell talked to me. He wants you to come back to his team."

"I would like that." I said

He smiled a little letting my hand go.

We finished dinner and then went to bed. I watched him slide in next to me turning the light off. Moving over I touched his cheek making him look at me in the dim light.

"I am sorry."

He touched my cheek.

"I know. I am sorry to."

He kissed my head then pulled me closer. I laid my head on his chest unable to sleep thinking.


	2. Chapter 2

We began to get a heavy load of cases. I didn't sleep very often working overtime. I yawned after shift not remembering which day it was as I walked outside. I blinked looking at the traffic not remembering where my car was.

"Hey!" Russell called, walking over. "How are you?"

"Good." I said, blinking at him.

"You look all in." He said, looking me over.

"I feel like it."

"Are you going home?"

"As soon as I find my car." I said, looking around again.

He chuckled turning me to the left.

"It's that one at the end." He said

"Thank's." I said, walking slowly over to it. He watched me go then he went inside the building. I yawned stopping at the curb holding my head. Grissom arrived looking over at me. He walked over touching my back.

"Hey, are you okay?" He asked

I looked at him.

"I just…. felt dizzy." I said

"You need sleep."

"I need lots of things." I said

"Are you okay to drive?"

"I can drive with my eyes closed." I said

"I can take you home." He said, pulling me to his car.

I didn't fight him since I couldn't remember where the house was. Grissom drove down the street turning then he parked outside our home. He turned the engine off looking at me sleeping against the window. He opened my door catching me as I fell out. I got out looking around as he held me.

"Can you walk?" He asked

"I can." I said

He let me go watching as I walked slowly to the stairs. I carefully started up feeling him up against me in case I fell. I made it then I stopped looking at the front door.

Grissom unlocked the front door helping me inside. He picked me up in his arms walking to the bedroom helping me change. I was laid on the bed as he put blankets over me.

"I will call you later." He said

"Don't date Sophia." I said, moving as I fell asleep. He kissed my head then he looked at me a moment before leaving.

Later, the front door opened slowly and shut. I slept in bed still to exhausted to hear anything. A man looked around walking through the rooms. He went into the bedroom seeing me in the bed. He looked at me walking closer to the bed.

Brass sat at his desk signing a form then he got up leaving. He walked to Grissom's office with the paper. Grissom looked up from his desk seeing his friend enter closing the door.

"I got your form here." He said, handing him the paper.

"Thank you." Grissom said, taking it.

Brass was about to leave when his cell phone rang.

"Brass." He said, listening. "What?!"

He looked at Grissom alarmed.

"I'll be right there!" He said, hanging up. "A call came in. It's Sara!"

Grissom quickly walked out with him. Brass raced over to the house followed by police cars and ambulances. Grissom got out of Brass's car running up the stairs to the open door. Brass held his gun looking in. He motioned for his men to go in. He went in behind them with Grissom. They could hear screaming in the bedroom.

"Sara!" Brass called

They went in seeing me on the floor holding my gun screaming against the wall on the other side of the bed. I had blood on my clothes and arms. Brass walked around the bed seeing the body of a man with his pants down. He knelt down touching the man's neck.

"He's dead!" He said

He knelt down infront of me as Grissom knelt down as well.

"Sara, it's okay!" Brass said

I shook violently feeling my gun being taken away. I sobbed screaming again.

"Let's get her outside." Brass said

They both took my arms helping me up. I looked around outside at the flashing lights.

"It's okay." Someone said

I struggled weakly as we went down the stairs to the waiting ambulance. I was put on a stretcher and wheeled inside. I fought the EMT as I screamed. Grissom came in sitting down watching the man beside him giving me a shot.

"It's a sedative to calm her down." He said

I cried looking around. Grissom took my hand.

"She's in shock." The paramedic said

Grissom nodded watching me calm down. I closed my eyes sleeping.

Grissom went with me to the hospital. He told them that he wanted a rape test done. Brass walked into the room I was in with Grissom. Brass walked over putting his hand over my hand lying on my stomach.

"Was she?" He asked

"I don't know. Russell is working on it." Grissom said, as he leaned against the wall looking at me.

Brass gently touched my head. Grissom's phone made a sound. Brass looked up as Grissom looked at his phone. He sighed then looked over at Brass shaking his head.

"Thank goodness." Brass said

I slept for days. Grissom sat beside my bed when he could. I woke seeing I was in a dark room that was lit by the hallway light. I moved my hand over the blanket feeling pain. I felt tears going down my cheeks. People were in the hallway talking as they walked by my door. I shivered when a cold breeze hit me. Someone came in walking quietly to my bed. I watched the person lean down kissing my head gently. I closed my eyes.

"Sara." Grissom whispered

I reached up touching his cheek making him jump. He turned on a light above me looking down.

"I am glad you're awake." He said

I let my hand go down his cheek. He took my hand kissing it.

"Did you catch that man?" I asked

"Honey, he's dead."

I shook closing my eyes breathing in and out.

"You shot him."

I opened looking at him.

"Sara, he didn't…. rape you."

"I remember that he…almost did." I said "He won't come back, will he?"

"No, he won't." Grissom said

I laid back tightening my grasp on his hand. He put my hand down then he sat in a chair watching me as I looked at him.

The doctor gave me permission to leave the hospital a few days later. Grissom helped me inside the house. I looked around walking to the living room.

"Do you want to lie down?" He asked

"I want to work." I said

He sighed standing infront of me taking my hands in his.

"Sara, we talked about this. You are on leave until the investigation is over."

"Grissom, you don't understand! I want to work!"

"No." He said, shaking his head.

I looked down feeling sad.

"Let's go into the bedroom." He said

He tried to pull me with him, but I stayed still.

"No, I don't want to go in there!" I said

"It's okay, Sara." He said

"No, don't make me!" I said, backing up.

He walked over touching my cheeks with his hands.

"Okay, let's lie down on the couch."

I nodded still shaking. He laid down pulling me with him. I laid beside him feeling his arms come around me. I felt protected for the first time this happened. He kissed my neck then laid back down.

I stayed awake as he slept thinking about things. I moved facing him looking at his relaxed face. I moved closer kissing his face. He moved opening his eyes looking at me. I searched his eyes before kissing him. He kissed me back stopping as the doorbell went off. I watched him get up walking to the door. I sat up slowly feeling sick to my stomach. I looked at the bedroom door.

"Want some coffee?" Grissom asked, walking to the kitchen.

"Love some." Brass said, glancing into the living room.

I stood holding my stomach looking at the door. Slowly, I walked over telling myself I could do it. Brass stood just inside the kitchen door when he saw me out of the corner of his eye. I hunched over throwing up causing him to come out walking over to me.

I fell to the floor throwing up again. Grissom got a cloth wetting it walking out. Brass knelt down as I stopped falling backwards against him. Grissom wiped my mouth off as I breathed in and out fast.

I put my hand over my face crying against Brass. He held me rocking us back and forth.

"It's okay." He said, gently kissing my head. Grissom rubbed my arm looking at Brass concerned.

Brass put me back on the couch sitting on it smoothing my hair back as he talked. Grissom put a cup of coffee on the table beside the couch then he sat in the chair watching us.

"Believe me, I have seen worse." Brass said

I smiled a little touching the blanket covering me. He reached over taking the steaming cup drinking some.

"I remember this lady coming out of this house throwing up all over me. The smell still gets me."

"Why did she?"

"Drunk." He and Grissom said

I chuckled looking over at Grissom.

"Gil, can you put this in a travel cup? I have to go to the station." Brass said, handing Grissom his cup.

He turned back to me leaning over kissing my head then he leaned back searching my eyes.

"I don't want you to worry anymore." He said

"What if it happens again?" I asked

"Honey, you can't live like this. You are a strong woman. You will overcome this."

I hugged him then he got up waving before leaving. Grissom came back looking at me.

"I have to go to work to." He said

"Okay."

"If you need me…."

"I will call." I said

He nodded sighing before going to the bedroom. I laid there watching the door. As soon as he left I got up walking over to the door. My heart started to race as I slowly turned the door knob. I peeked inside opening it more stepping in. The room seemed peaceful and quiet. I walked over to myside seeing some squares of carpet gone where the blood was. I closed my eyes seeing the scene over and over.

I went to the door shutting and locking it before climbing onto the bed lying down. Grissom came home hours later.

"Sara?" He called, walking into the living room not seeing me.

He walked to the bedroom trying to come in, but it was locked. He knocked not hearing anything.

"Sara, open the door."

I moved on the bed hearing knocking.

"Whose there?" I asked, getting up.

"Grissom."

I unlocked the door seeing him.

"Hey." He said "Are you okay?"

"I think I will be."

He hugged me as I took a long breath.

The investigation ended and I was allowed back. I went on a solo case walking down a hill towards the scene. The path was narrow and it was hot. I wiped some sweat from my head as I looked at the body of a man lying on his stomach. His hands were tied together by rope with a gunshot wound to his head. I knelt down looking at his hands seeing strands of blond hair.

"Hot day." Dave said, behind me as he and another man carried a stretcher between them.

"Yeah, getting hotter." I said

"What do we got?" He asked, coming closer. "Gunshot."

"It looks like a kidnapping, or maybe drugs." I said, standing.

"You're the story teller, I am just the coroner." He said

I knelt down again collecting the hairs. I worked for an hour then walked back to the Tahoe. The heat was getting to me. I got some water and then drove back to the lab. The air conditioning in the building was a welcome escape from the heat. I took a shower walking around feeling better. At break, I walked around eating some of my sandwich. Everyone was busy as I looked into the windows.

"On break?"

I jumped looking at Russell walking over smiling at me.

"I got five minutes left." I said "Why are you here so early?"

"I have a meeting at two." He said

"Oh." I said, looking back into the room.

"So, are you liking day shift?"

"It's okay." I said, shrugging my shoulders.

"I have an opening on my staff. Are you interested?" He asked, looking at my profile.

I turned looking at him.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, I realized that Grissom is right. You are the best in the field, and I need someone who knows what they are doing."

My mouth dropped as I looked at him.

"Sophia wants to go back to work for the police."

"Okay." I said, trying to hold my excitement.

"Great, but a few things. You need to stop being this out of control person. I want to trust you."

I nodded as he did. He walked away and I just stood still watching him go. I ran outside screaming jumping up and down. Grissom parked the car walking over seeing me celebrating. He smiled walking over tapping my shoulder. I jumped backing up seeing him.

"What are you doing?" He asked, chuckling.

I hugged him then backed up.

"Russell, is bringing me back to night shift!" I said

"Really?"

"Yes, I am so happy!" I said, jumping up and down screaming again.

Grissom stood still watching me then he went inside. He knocked on Russell's office door seeing him getting ready for the meeting.

"Hey, did you just get here?" He asked

"Yes, I saw Sara outside celebrating. She said you asked her to come back." Grissom said, closing the door behind him.

"It was time. Sophia wasn't working out for me. I think I can trust her again."

"Are you sure it's wise to allow her back?"

"What are you worried about, Gil?" Russell asked, leaning back against his desk.

"I am worried about Sara. I know how she operates. Cases get to her."

"I think I can handle her."

"Let me have progress reports."

"I will."

Grissom nodded looking at him before leaving.

I was moved a few days later. Russell assigned me paperwork with him. I sat in a chair beside him stamping papers in silence.

"Sara, I wanted to talk to you. That's why I asked you to help me." Russell said, sitting back in his chair facing me.

"What about?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

"Grissom is uneasy about you coming back and I wanted to know how you felt about it."

"I feel happy that I am back."

"Do you believe that the cases will affect your work performance?"

"I don't think so." I said

"I want you to be sure. This is not a game."

"I know."

He just looked at me a moment.

"I want to trust you. I think I can, but some part of me needs more." He said

"You can trust me." I said

"I hope so." He said "Let's get back to work."

I watched him turn to the paper work on his desk. Grissom and Brass came out of his office talking as I walked over. Brass touched my arm gently as he nodded listening to Grissom.

I looked down at their shoes.

"I thought you would be happier on your first night." Brass said, touching my back with his hand.

"I am." I said

Grissom inspected me with his eyes.

"I will see you later." Brass said, walking away.

I looked down feeling Grissom looking at me. He touched my arm then my other making me look at him.

"What's wrong?" He asked

"Russell and I talked and I just thought why do you love me? I think you would have a better time with someone else. Catherine, or Sophia. I just don't think I can make you happy." I said, looking down again.

He sighed looking at me. His hand touched mine pulling me into his office shutting his door closed behind me. He just stood there looking at me much like the time we stood in the room with the bloody sheet. I took a breath opening my mouth a little. Grissom put his hands on my cheeks leaning in kissing me. I felt him deepen the kiss tilting his head to the left. I didn't care what was happening other than in the room. I put my hands on his back feeling him do the same pulling me against him tightly. He slowly started to pull back. I wanted more, but I let him go because I needed air. He moved his lips along my cheek then my neck. My legs were about to buckle as he pulled me even tighter. I moved my head to the side feeling him nip at my skin.

He stopped taking a breath then he moved to look at me. I opened my eyes looking at him. We didn't talk as we looked at each other.

A knock ruined the moment. Grissom let me go as I moved leaning back against the desk. He looked at me before opening the door letting Catherine in.

"Hey." She said, looking at me before Grissom "Gil, can you sign this form? I want to get some supplies."

He took the paper looking at it. I watched him walk to his desk and sign the paper then hand it back to her.

"Thanks, are you going to that meeting with the DA?" She asked

"I am not." Grissom said

"Okay." She said, smiling at me before leaving. Grissom sighed looking at me. He stepped infront of me looking me over.

"Now, I believe you asked me why I love you." He said "I love you for many things. Your stubbornness, your intelligent's. You have feelings about the victims and I love that about you."

I looked down as he touched my chin making me look at him.

"You are beautiful inside, Sara. I see no one in a group, but you. I think about you constantly. Doesn't that prove that I love you?"

I didn't say anything.

"Nothing matters, but you and me. If something were to happen to us, I could not go on. I don't understand why you chose Sophia and Catherine. Do you not see what a disaster that would be? You keep on about Sophia and I need to tell you once and for all that I do not love her. I was attracted to her when I first met her, but as I spent time with her, I realized that there was something missing…. you."

I searched his eyes feeling my hairs stand straight up. He put his hands on my cheeks.

"Grissom." I said, gently.

"Yes?"

"I…."

Suddenly the lights flickered. Grissom and I looked around then at each other confused. A large boom and a shake of the walls made us jump. Another and another boom scared us. Grissom grabbed me pulling me underneath his desk as the room blew up. Grissom coughed against me as I choked on dust. The sprinklers went off as the alarm sounded.

"What's…happening!" I asked

"I don't know!" Grissom said

He pulled me out looking at the room. He led me out into the hallway seeing fire and water starting to make a pool on the floor. I coughed holding a hand over my mouth and nose. The air was filled with fumes. Water drenched us. People started to file out. Some were injured. Grissom slowly led me along the hallway. Catherine and Russell ran overlooking shell-shocked.

"What happened!" Catherine asked

"I heard three explosions!" Grissom said

"Sounded like four to me." Russell said

"Let's assess the damage and help the people that are injured." Grissom said

I coughed loudly feeling Grissom lead me to the front door. People laid on the ground moaning in pain. Blood oozed out of open wounds. Grissom looked at the carnage beside me getting his phone then he disappeared leaving me. I walked around not knowing how to help. The building was a mess and smoke just kept coming out. I tried to help those that I could. I sat by a tree holding my leg as I looked around. Brass came over seeing me.

"Sara, have you seen Grissom?" He asked

I shook my head looking at him.

He looked around sighing then he looked back at me.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded.

He knelt down looking me over seeing that I was holding right hand against my stomach in a fist.

"Can I see your hand?" He asked

I looked down at it then at him.

"No, it's fine."

"Honey, please?" He asked

"No, I'm okay." I said

He looked at me a moment before gently reaching over touching my hand. I looked down as he opened it seeing the bloody gash. I swallowed looking back at him.

"This looks very bad, Sara."

I pulled my hand away from him. He looked at me worried. I looked to the side feeling his eyes on me.

"I think you should get your hand looked at, honey."

I shook my head still looking to the side.

Brass stood looking around the chaos. He then turned kneeling down again to me. I felt him put his arms underneath me picking me up. I didn't protest feeling safe in his arms. He walked over to a stretcher lowering me gently. I looked around holding onto his hand. A paramedic walked over with gloves on. I went into panic mood failing around hitting the man trying to look at me. Brass pulled my arms down.

"Stop!" He said "Calm."

I breathed in and out looking at the man then at Brass.

"Calm." Brass said, again.

I looked at him feeling scared. He smoothed my hair watching the paramedic look at my hand. He stitched and bandaged it. I got up walking around in a daze. Everywhere I looked there was injured or firefighters trying to stop the fires. Someone rushed by me. I walked forwards towards the building when I was pushed back facing Grissom. He searched my eyes looking me over.

"You okay?"

I nodded.

"You need to go home. I will have Brass take you."

I nodded again feeling him take my uninjured hand walking to the left. Brass took me by car to the house. He helped me out going up the stairs to the front door.

"Are you okay now?" He asked "Do you want me to stay?"

"You should go back."

"I can stay for a couple of minutes." He said

I went in with him closing the door. I looked around not knowing what to do. Brass walked over touching my arm and I turned leaning into him for support. He held me silently feeling my body shaking.

Grissom came in later looking around hearing snoring. He walked into the living room seeing Brass lying on the couch beside me. Grissom sighed just looking at us.

"Jim?" Grissom called, touching the older man's shoulder. "Jim!"

Brass moved seeing Grissom as he blinked.

"Hey." Brass said, quietly.

"I was wondering where you went to."

"Sara, broke down after we came back. I thought I would stay until she got better and I must have gone to sleep." Brass said "How's the building?"

"Intact."

I moved facing him putting my arm over his chest. Brass slowly moved getting up.

"What time is it?"

"About ten in the morning. I have a couple of hours to sleep then I have to go back." Grissom said

"I better go home and change." Brass said

"Thank you." Grissoms said, following him to the door.

Brass nodded to him before going out. Grissom walked back into the living room undoing the top buttons on his shirt. He laid down beside me kissing my head.

"Dad?" I said, gently.

"No, it's me." Grissom said, putting his arms around me.

I moved arm around him sighing. He took a breath closing is eyes. I woke alone hours later sitting up looking around. The house was silent. I got up feeling dizzy. I sat back down holding my head feeling a throbbing. My phone went off and I grabbed it from the side table.

"Sidle." I said

"No, Grissom." Grissom said, walking around the building.

"Right now, I don't know who I am." I said, sitting back.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, unlocking his office door.

"I think I am okay." I said

"I want you to stay home."

"You need me!" I said

"I need you always, but in this case I don't."

"Your treating me like a porcelain doll again."

He sighed, as I stood.

"Honey, you need to recover. I don't need you to get hurt again."

"Okay."

I hung up the phone sighing looking around the room. Grissom came home on the phone with someone as I walked over to kiss him. He let me go to continue the conversation. I watched him walk by then I walked to the kitchen. He hung up the phone walking into the kitchen grabbing the bottled water from my hand placing it on the counter as he placed both hands on either side looking at me.

"I'm fine. How is the lab?" I asked

"The lab is fine and the wounded people are recovering." He said

"Good." I said

He kissed me slowly putting his arms around my back. I moved back looking at him.

"Jim is worried about you." He said "He thinks you're not all right."

"I'm fine."

"I know."

He left me alone walking out of the kitchen.

I came back to work the following day watching the cleanup. Russell had me help him in the lab then I went to the breakroom getting my sandwich walking to the station. Dad was sitting at his desk eating his sandwich looking at some papers. He watched me come in and sit in a chair infront of his desk.

"So, what do I owe this visit?" He asked

"I wanted to see you." I said, eating.

"That's what I wanted to." He said "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." I said

"Sara, I can tell your not." He said

I sighed looking down.

"I am still shaking." I said

"Everyone is, honey." He said "You have had a rough month."

"I suppose I am not fine."

"I am glad you're admitting it." He said

"Come here." He said

I got up putting my sandwich on his desk then walking over feeling him push me across his lap. He cradled me like I was a child.

"It's okay not to be fine." He said "You have every right to not be."

I moved laying my head on his shoulder.

"I love you." I said

"I love you to." He said

I closed my eyes as he ate some more of his sandwich. I moved my arms up around his neck hugging him. He held me kissing my head.

Russell knocked on Grissom's office door later.

"Come in." Grissom said

Russell came in seeing Grissom eating Chinese at his desk while working.

"Hey, have you seen Sara?" He asked

"No, not since we came in. Is she missing?"

"Yes, I was working with her and then we took a break. She never returned." Russell said "She is not in the breakroom."

"Odd." Grissom said, getting out his phone.

He put the phone to his ear listening to it ring then he lowered it.

"No answer." He said, pushing another button.

"Brass."

"Jim, it's Grissom."

"I know what you are looking for."

Grissom looked at Russell.

"You have Sara?"

"Yeah, in my office asleep."

"It's time for her to work."

"I'll get her up." Brass said, before hanging up.

"We found her. She was asleep in Brass's office."

"Oh." Russell said "Gil, are you sure that Sara is fit to work?"

"Yes, I think she is."

"With all the things that have happened to her I doubt she is." Russell said

"We can have her talk to someone."

"I think that would be a good idea. I just have a feeling that something isn't right."

Grissom looked at him then down at his desk thinking.

I appeared and Russell and I went to work. After I went home with Grissom. He locked me in the car as I tried to get out.

"Grissom, I need to eat something." I said

"In a minute. I wanted to say something." He said

"Okay." I said

"Sara, I want you to talk to a counselor." He said

"Why?" I said

"I don't think you are all right." He said

I looked at him then I started to laugh.

"I am not okay?"

"No, you are not." He said, seriously.

"No, I will not talk to anyone! Now unlock the door." I said

He looked at me a moment as I stared him down. I moved over past him unlocking it then I got out going to the front door. I went in sighing. He came in as I made a grilled cheese on the stove.

"Do you want one?" I asked

"No, I want to talk about this."

I turned off the stove facing him crossing my arms over my chest.

"I should know if I am fine." I said

"You may feel fine, but we on the outside see differently." He said

"Listen to me Grissom! I will never see a counselor. I did that once already and now I am done."

He flexed his jaw looking at me.

"What do you think will happen?" He asked

"Who told you I was not fine? Dad, or Russell?"

"Sara…I."

"Russell did." I said "Since when do you let other people tell you what to do about me?"

"This time I agree." He said

"He's just trying to get rid of me."

"He is not."

"Sophia and he are close. They must be working together. I knew this was her plan all along and now you are joining them."

"Sara, what are you talking about?" He asked, confused.

"You and Sophia! That is what I am talking about! You want her!"

"Sara!"

"Why don't you go to her? Run away!" I shouted, "I hope you both die!"

He slapped me across the face, and I stumbled back touching my cheek.

"Grissom." I said

"Your seeing a counselor." He said, calmly.

"You slapped me." I said

He sighed.

"I didn't want to."

We stood in silence looking at each other. He looked at my sandwich in the frying pan.

"You should eat that before it cools down." He said, before leaving.

I watched him go then I slid down to the floor forgetting my sandwich. Grissom came out from the bedroom changed into pajamas. He didn't hear me moving around. I shook holding myself on the kitchen floor as he came in seeing me.

"Sara?"

He knelt down touching my head. I never acknowledged him.

"Can you hear me?" He asked

I felt him trying to move me and I screamed moving to the corner staring at him as I held my legs close to my chest.

"I am not going to hurt you." He said "Why don't we go to bed?"

I shook my head. He looked at me concerned.

"You are safe. I am not going to hurt you." He said, coming closer.

I pushed myself back against the cabinets shaking as he stopped.

"Okay, just relax." He said, getting up. He disappeared and I moved getting a large cutting knife sitting with it.

He came back in seeing the knife as he held his phone to his ear.

"She has a knife. I have never seen her like this."

He disappeared then came back again placing the cell phone on the counter.

"Honey, you don't need the knife." He said

I watched him carefully as he knelt down, so he was eye level with me.

"Give it to me."

He reached over with his hand.

I looked at the hand then at him.

"No one's going to hurt you." He said, gently.

I swallowed not moving. He lowered his arm just watching me as he stood up. The front door opened as Brass came in still dressed in work clothes. Grissom motioned him to me. Brass came closer than Grissom did kneeling down.

"Hey, I heard you were being bad." He said "Why not hand over the knife and we can talk."

I shook my head looking past him at Grissom.

"Grissom is not going to hurt you. We just want you to hand over the knife."

He came closer and I shook my head at him.

"Please baby." He said, almost touching my hand. I let him have the knife. He sighed relieved giving it to Grissom. He sat next to me as I laid against his legs. "Gil, can you let us talk alone?"

"Yes." Grissom said, leaving.

Grissom sat on the couch worried about me. He had seen people have breakdowns before and this was defiantly one. He turned on the news faintly hearing Brass's voice from the kitchen. Half and hour later Grissom rubbed his head seeing Brass holding me as we walked to the bedroom. He came out a short time later.

"She's sleeping." He said

"Thank you." Grissom said, standing.

"Gil, she is not all right." Brass said

"Did she say anything?"

"No, but I think it's obvious what has happened."

Grissom nodded.

"Watch her closely."

"I will."

Brass left as Grissom went into the kitchen throwing the forgotten sandwich into the garbage. He came into the bedroom looking at me in the dim light as I slept.

The next day I moved opening my eyes looking around. I got out of bed running out to the living room. Grissom came out of the kitchen seeing me.

"Hello." He said

I looked around then I walked over to him.

"How do you feel?"

"Fine." I said

He touched my cheek with his hand searching my eyes.

"I need to get ready for work." I said

"No, I am taking you to a counselor." He said

I looked at him confused.

"You need to get dressed." He said

"I…."

"Go on."

He pushed me gently to the bedroom. I went in getting dressed. We got into the car and he drove me to a building down the street from the lab. I looked at it as he undid his seat belt. He got out coming over to myside opening the door. I slowly got out and he took my arm leading me to the building.

"Grissom, wait!" I said

He looked at me.

"Sara, it's going to be okay." He said

He opened the front door leading me in. I met with a friend of his as he left for work. Two hours later he drove back seeing me waiting. I stood at the curb looking lost. He got out looking at me concerned.

"You okay?"

I shook my head.

"Honey, talk to me." He said, pulling me stand infront of him.

"What is happening to me?" I cried

"What do you mean?"

I cried holding my hand to my face as he pulled me against him. I laid my face against his neck.

"I don't know what to do with you." He said "I love you so much. I want to help you."

"Y…you should d…divorce me." I said, raising my head.

"That will never happen." He said

I wiped my face as he kissed my head.

"Let me take you home."

I nodded letting him.

He made me something to eat then I laid on the bed sleeping. When he came home, I was still sleeping. He ordered take out and came into the bedroom turning on the lamp next to the bed. I winched moving as I opened my eyes seeing him.

"Hey." He said

"Hey." I said

"I ordered take out. Are you hungry?"

"I think so." I said

He smiled a little before getting up changing.

"Your dad came to see me. He was worried about you." Grissom said "I told him you were better. He wants to see you."

I sat up watching him move around the room.

"When can I work?"

He stopped looking at me.

"Not for a while."

"You let that woman work…. what's her name…? Shelia."

"Shelia is different. She wasn't in a stand off in the kitchen with a knife."

"Grissom."

"Sara, I said no."

I sighed looking down at the blankets.

"Coming?" He asked

"What for?" I asked

He looked at me a moment then went out to the living room. I held my head with my hands. Grissom looked at mail by the desk as I came out looking over at him then I went to the kitchen getting a bottle of water. I felt tears go down my cheeks as I faced the counter. All my hopes were being destroyed. I put my hand to my mouth crying in silence. Grissom hummed a tone as he came in to get some water. I hurriedly walked out drinking water. I sat on the couch hearing the doorbell. Grissom came back in with a bag. He laid out the food containers on the coffee table then he walked out getting plates. He sat beside me holding out a plate to me. I took it and he began to open the Chinese cartons putting food on my plate. I looked at him as I began to eat slowly. He sat back on the couch eating as he watched the news. I put my plate on the coffee table and he looked over at it seeing it was still full of food. I moved over to him putting my head onto his chest. He put his plate onto the table holding me.

"I'm sorry." I said

"I know you are, and I am to. You were crying out for help and I didn't look up." He said

"You were just being you." I said

He smiled a little kissing my head.

"I am a mess. Even since that man…. attacked me. I felt afraid and unsure."

"You shouldn't have to be. I have noticed that you have been afraid."

"I have been afraid even of you."

"Why me?"

"I kept seeing men hurting me."

"Sara, I would never do that."

"I know, but I kept telling myself not to trust anyone." I said "If I can't trust you then I have lost everything."

He rubbed my arm.

"I have also been worried about Sophia to. It bothers me that she is in the same town."

"You need to get over that." He said

I sat up looking at him.

"Grissom, please don't leave me!"

"I promise I am not going anywhere." He said, touching my cheeks with his hands.

I moved closer kissing him. He felt the pain I was carrying in that kiss. He moaned moving his head kissing me deeply. I never wanted it to end. He pushed me back onto the couch. I kept my eyes closed letting him do what he needed to do. I knew he loved me, and it filled me with such happiness.

Grissom woke not remembering where he was for a second. He looked around seeing he was on the couch in the living room with me. I snuggled into his chest. He rubbed his head looking at his wristwatch then he took a breath closing his eyes.

His lips touched my head as I moved again.

"What time is it?" I asked

"Almost two." He said

He moved my hair back from my face looking at me.

"You are breathtaking." He said

"You haven't said that in a long time." I said, smiling.

"I am going to say it more often."

"Do you have to go to work?" I asked

"Mmhmm."

I frowned as he moved my hair back more.

"You need to go see the counselor."

"Or, I could work."

"No."

He searched my eyes.

"I would love to see you back at work, but you need to get some help first."

"We talked last night."

"Yes, we did, but I am not satisfied yet."

"Fine."

He got up as I laid there. He drove me to the counseling office and picked me up again this time an hour later. I was drained after that meeting. Grissom brought me to the lab so he could take a meeting. I sat in his office looking at his science journals. He came back with Brass.

"There she is!" He said, pulling me over to him in a hug. "How are you feeling?"

"Good." I said

He let me step back as he touched my cheek.

"You look much better."

I nodded.

"Gil, the diner later?"

"You got it." He said

"You to?" Brass said

"Okay."

He touched my nose then walked away.

I laid down on Grissom's couch as he went to see Catherine. When he came back, I was sleeping. I sat up breathing in and out fast looking around not seeing him. I got up opening the door not seeing a soul. I walked along the hallway becoming alarmed as no one was around.

"Grissom?" I called

I turned the corner stopping seeing bodies hanging from the ceiling down the hallway.

"No!" I yelled, backing away.

Stumbling, I turned seeing Grissom smiling at me holding the kitchen knife. He pushed the knife into my stomach, and I sat up screaming on the couch.

I wiped the sweat from my head with shaking hands. Grissom was not at his desk. I stood almost falling back. I opened the door hearing people talking, but not seeing them. The breakroom was empty as I came in getting a glass of water.

Grissom came in seeing me. I turned dropping my glass seeing him. He watched the glass land on the floor spilling water on the floor. I grabbed the counter looking at him.

"I…. where were you?"

He walked over picking up the glass placing it on the counter looking at me.

"I was in a meeting. Why are you so pale?"

"I had a nightmare."

"Must have been bad." He said "You okay?"

"Yes." I said, letting the counter go.

"It's almost time to go meet Jim."

"Okay." I said

I walked past him looking back at him before leaving. We went to the diner and sat in a booth. I looked at the menu as Grissom reached over touching my hand. I jumped looking at him.

"I'm fine." I said

He nodded letting me go. Brass walked in sitting down beside me. I looked at the menu a moment as they talked. I looked up seeing a noose around his neck. I gasped holding my head as I caught my breath.

"Sara?" Brass called "Sara?"

I jumped raising my head seeing that he and Grissom were both looking at me with concern.

"You okay?"

"I…I don't know." I said

"Drink this." Grissom said, handing me a glass of water. I drank some coughing then I started to recover. Brass touched my hand.

"I feel better." I said

"Just take a minute." Brass said

I put my hand to my head as he moved my hair back.

They ordered food and I sat trembling scared I was seeing a future event. I laid in bed that night next to Grissom afraid to sleep. Grissom moved closer to me sighing.

"Are you awake?" He whispered

I stayed quiet feeling his hand move on my stomach. He moved me to lie on my back so he could look at me. I looked at him.

"You need to sleep." He said

"I can't."

"You could take pills."

"I am going to watch some TV." I said, getting up leaving the room.

Grissom rolled onto his back rubbing his head. He listened as the TV was turned on and the faint sounds it made beyond the door.

I looked at the screen then at the windows to my right. Grissom looked at the ceiling hearing me scream loudly. He got up coming out of the living room. I hid behind the chair next to the couch holding myself.

"Sara, what's wrong?" He asked, kneeling down holding me.

"I…. I saw them! T…the window!" I said

He looked not seeing a thing.

"I don't see anything." He said

"I…. I'm going crazy!" I cried, holding onto him. He felt his heart race kissing my head holding me.


End file.
